There You Have It...

I'm a fighter, I'm a poet, I'm a preacher...
I've been to school, now baby I've been the teacher.
There's a good Bon Jovi rip to start my commentary, hehe.

It seems like in my later adolescence I had a brighter picture of what my life should be like. I wanted to make a difference in the world, play music, save lives, etc., etc. I guess that's how most people start out before they get hit with the life hammer.

I often find myself having to dig through an imaginary crunchy shell to get to the sweet goodness that is truely me. The thing is, even though I feel this way at times, the person that I always have been still resides within me.

I certainly will make no claim that my life has had any worse downfalls than any other person, but to quote John Tururro in the movie Anger Management, "I have seen some sh-t."

When I was fifteen I wanted to become a minister. I attended Christian school for several years. While attending I did many theological studies. I grew up believing Christianity was one way, it was all there in black and white (and of course red) and you did not question God. As I grew older and gained more worldly knowledge, I did begin to have questions. So many Biblical things did not make sence to me and I lost my faith even up to the point of questioning the existance of God. As it stands now I still don't know. I do know that from time to time I feel a tug at my spirit. When I watched The Passion of the Christ, I wept. One may consider the things that have happened throughout my life as part of God's plan to get one stubborn, strong willed country boy to fall to his knees and cry out to Him. Heaven only knows...

I was fortunate to grow up in a loving family. Things weren't always perfect, but what ever really is. I'm the youngest of four with quite an age difference between my siblings and I, so my parents spoiled me more because, even as an adult, I was their baby. I don't think I was extremely sheltered, they just did too much for me. My dad who always fussed at my mom about spoiling me, spoiled me just as bad as Mom did. Looking back now, I wish they had done less for me. Although, I find no fault with either of them. It left me with the task of trying to prioritize many things in life and not completely knowing how to go about it. When Dad died and Mom remarried and moved a great distance from me, I sat around for the better part of a year thinking, "Well, what do I do now?" So now, way past when I should have, I am still dreaming of greater things, but for once I am trying to plan out reality.

So anyway, back to the crunchy shell that surrounds me at times. There is a guy who works with me. He just started in Corrections. He is also, I might add, an ordained Church of God minister. I gave him some advice. I told him that no matter what happens to him as a Correctional Officer, not to let it sway his faith. I talked with him about how calloused you can become when dealing with some of the ignorant beings that enjoy spending time within America's judicial system. How racist you can feel when someone of color is standing there calling you, "blank blankety blank Cracker blank blank Cracker!" I told him about how I started working in the system at nineteen and having to use physical force on someone used to really upset me, then how I became numb to it. I explained to him how numb I had become in dealing with these people and that I hoped that would not happen to him. I finally reassured him that as much as I can seem very cold at times, the compassion that I have towards humanity still remains.

So, through love, loss, tragedy, death, and dealing with some of society's worst criminals I have managed to still see the light at the end of the tunnel. If there is a divine plan for my life then these will just be valleys that I have to walk through.

Whatever the valley may be, I will keep looking toward the top of the mountain.

-S